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News flashes just in for the year 2029


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's
third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesday only.

85 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lb..

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to
campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine.
 

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Every movie ever made has now been remade...and stunk. Producers hopeful that next time will be a big hit.

Internet closes down. Young people say 'it was for old people.'

Being accused of a crime is an automatic guilty verdict. Courts save money this way.
 

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Oxidation Genius
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Last possible 60s sitcoms remade as movies - Julie Newmar's "My Living Doll" and and Richard Benjamin's "It's About Time", both starring computer-generated reconstructions of Ben Stiller and Cameron Diaz. Although actual invention of sex robots and time travel reclassify each from "sci fi/fantasy" to merely "comedy."

Following president Chelsea's declaration that "guns are icky, and my daddy says I should ban them," Texas invites 95 million law-abiding American gun owners move to the Lone Star State, declares secession from US, and seals off borders. US Army unwilling to attempt invasion due to armed border guards posted every three feet for entire border. "Normal" people allowed in; lawyers and liberal politicians kicked out after thorough cavity search by Mexican wrestling team.

Man-made plague wipes out 50% of population of India. Half of country declared nature preserve. Tiger population swells well past endangered level. Species saved. Japanese whaling fleet wiped out in mysterious unnatural storm. Greenpeace scientists looking askance and whistling innocently.

Conversely, The entire South American continent is now treeless farmland, covered entirely in coffee and cocaine. The entire North American continent is treeless, covered with an uneven, unplanned distribution of highways, shopping malls, cities and suburbs.

Bigfoot found. They ask not to be bothered any more.

Aliens make contact. They admit to have been studying us like we study tribes of baboons. They say they've come to the same conclusions we have.
 
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