*Shakes head*

This is what happens when you let a network with the tagline "We know drama" carry some of the races. Winst...er, Nextel Cup racing is turning into a soap opera.

Will Happy Harvick ever find happiness... and his lost collection of Care Bear stuffed animals?

Will Rusty, Johnson, and Mark get some cheese to go with their whine?

And will Joe Nemechek ever recover that water bottle... without having to pay a fortune on e-Bay?

Will Jimmy Spencer finally meet that brat Kurt Busch in a dark alley?

Will Joe Ruttman's '79 Dodge Magnum qualify at Rockingham?

Will Bill Elliott's fan club be in an uproar once they find out he isn't naturally a redhead?

Will Darrell Waltrip finally realize his dream and become an international pop star, or will "You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me, Loose Wheel" fail to crack the Billboard Hot 100?

Will Dick Trickle ever change his name?

And whatever happened to Lake Speed, Phil Parsons, Ernie Irvan, Delma Cowart, James Hylton, and Phil Barkdoll?

Tune in to "As The Wheel Turns" next week to find out!

-------------------------------------------------

Next week's episode, from Rockingham, North Caro....er, Fontana, California.

Joe Ruttman: I'm at the wrong track!
Michael Waltrip: Deja Vu all over again!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: So I put all of Harvick's Care Bears on e-Bay and managed to get $.38 for the lot.
Jeff Gordon: Wow, you got a great price right there!

Bill Elliott: My blonde roots are showing and I'm out of hair dye!

...and the winner for the Grammy for Best New Artist is... Darrell Waltrip for his album entitled "You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Loose Wheel". From the title track to the cover of ABBA's "The Winner Takes It All" this gem is a masterpiece from start to finish.
Darrell Waltrip: I'd like to thank my pit crew, Tide, K-Mart...uh, sorry, wrong speech, y'all. I'd just like to say "Nyah nyah!" to Benny Parsons, since his album, "Benny And The Pits" wasn't even nominated. I especially want to thank Lake Speed, on backup vocals, Phil Barkdoll on bagpipes, Ernie Irvan on harmonica, James Hylton on drums, Delma Cowart's amazing electric guitar work, and keyboard mastery of Phil Parsons.

Dick Trickle: I'd like to have a name change form, please. Yes, I'd like to be known as Richard Cranium.

Kurt Busch: It sure is dark here. I wonder why Jack Roush wanted me to come here so late at night. It's past my bedtime, and he knows it.
Jimmy Spencer: Here, bratty, bratty, bratty.
Kurt Busch: $#!+!!!!!!
Jimmy Spencer: Don't you know you can't say that on TV, boy. I'm gonna have to pound you now... Then I'll have to smooth things over with those FCC people...

Mark Martin: You know, this provolone is actually quite tasty.
Rusty Wallace: I'm partial to this Swiss, myself.
Jimmie Johnson: I don't know. This cheddar cheese seems a little off. I bet Harvick ran into it.

Kevin Harvick: I can't believe I just snagged a mint collection of Care Bears off of e-Bay for $.38! All the ones I had up until three weeks ago. It's like some weird coincidence!
Joe Nemechek: Yeah, so you got a great deal. I had to pay $3.8 million to get my freaking water bottle back!

-------------------------------------------------

Week 3 of "As The Wheel Turns"

Last time on "As The Wheel Turns" Darrell Waltrip won a Grammy Award, Jimmy Spencer finally got to have that heart to heart "talk" with Kurt Busch, Bill Elliott ran out of red hair dye, Dale Earnhardt Jr. sold Kevin Harvick's stuffed Care Bears on e-Bay, Kevin Harvick bought those same Care Bears from Junior without knowing who the seller was, Michael Waltrip and Joe Ruttman were at the wrong track (the now vacant Rockingham), and Rusty, Mark, and Jimmie finally had that cheese tasting party.

Jack Roush: I can't believe no one's seen Kurt Busch in almost a week. I need a driver, and fast!
Joe Ruttman: Remember me? I used to drive your Craftsman Truck series truck, until you replaced me with Greg Biffle and Kurt Busch.
Jack Roush: How'd you like to drive a championship caliber Winst...Nextel Cup car?
Joe Ruttman: I'd love to. But you better not make me park it after three laps like James Finch always made me do.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. *sending email to the winner of the auction*: You can send your payment of $.38 plus $28.50 for shipping and handling to:
Dale Earnhardt Jr.
c/o Dale Earnhardt Jr. Fan Club
8 Fictional Rd
Fictional City Near Kannapolis, NC 01239

Kevin Harvick *replying to Junior's email*: You're THE Dale Earnhardt Jr.? What a coincidence, I'm going to be at the track this weekend. Would you mind if we met up instead of letting the postal service rob us blind?
Junior: *replying*: Sure. Meet me at Duffy's Tavern on Fourth and Duke St.

Ray Evernham: Uh, Bill, why are you wearing your helmet? You're not racing this weekend...
Bill Elliott: Bad hair day.

Announcer: ...and next to qualify is a new driver by the name Richard Cranium. Cranium comes from the short tracks of the Midwest, but that's all the info he's provided. Let's see what he can do with an unsponsored Chevrolet stock car.

Kurt Busch: Where am I? Who am I? *Looks around* I'm surrounded by Care Bears. Maybe I'm a Care Bear! Yes, I think I am...

Jimmy Spencer: No one will ever think to look for Kurt Busch in Junior's house. Though I'm starting to wonder what Earnhardt Sr. taught Junior. I mean... Care Bears? I'd expect that from Kasey Kahne or Casey Mears, not Junior!

Michael Waltrip: Help! I'm still in Rockingham! Where'd Joe Ruttman go?

Boris Said: Joe, why didn't you just buy a new water bottle from Wal*Mart for a few bucks?
Joe Nemechek: Uh... when I think of an intelligent answer to that question, I'll let you know.

Darrell Waltrip: I wonder if anyone has ever tried turning Barry Manilow's "Mandy" into a song about NASCAR racing?

Mark Martin: Well, I best be going, guys. Good talking with you.
Jimmie Johnson: Yeah, I'd better run too.
Rusty Wallace: See you guys at the track tomorrow!
Waiter: Your bill, sir.
Rusty Wallace: $3,812?!?!? Mark, Jimmie, come back here! Drat. Hold on, I've got the money, but, uh, I was kinda saving it to pay a NASCAR fine, so it's all in nickels and pennies.

What will happen when Harvick and Junior meet? And will Kurt Busch ever remember he's a NASCAR driver? Will Joe Ruttman actually get to race more than three laps in the #97? Will Darrell Waltrip really mangle "Mandy"? Will his brother, Mikey, ever get to the right track? Will Trickle turned Cranium qualify for the race? Will Rusty ever finish counting the nickels and pennies to pay his wine and cheese tab? And what's this large brown truck doing on the track?

And now for the thrilling season finale of "As The Wheel Turns"!

...That's good enough for the pole! Ruttman's done it, he's nabbed the top spot, edging out the newcomer Richard Cranium.
Jack Roush: *Chuckling* Well, since he did such a good job in qualifying, I guess I'll let him drive five laps before parking it...

Rusty Wallace: That's $1,398.35...$1,398.40...1,398.45...

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Uh, hi Kevin. What are you doing here?
Kevin Harvick: I'm here to pay you $.38. Now give me my CARE BEARS, $^&%!
Junior: $#!+!
*Harvick rips open the box of bears and discovers... Kurt Busch*
Kurt Busch: I'm a Care Bear! Helping people is what I do! You look like you need a hug!
Kevin Harvick: Hug him- he's really sad. His dad died a few years ago...
Junior: You didn't... $#!+! You did!!!! *Runs*
*Busch chases Junior around, trying to hug him, while Harvick plays with the stuffed animals*

Ray Evernham: Bill, what happened to your hair?
Bill Elliott: They discontinued my normal hair dye, and this was the closest I could find, okay?
Jeremy Mayfield: Hey Ray, hey, who's the chick with the pink hair? Oh, hi Bill!

Darrell Waltrip (to the tune of Barry Manilow's "Mandy"):..and everyone's wreckin', oh ma-an! Smoke's everywhere and oil is leakin'...

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Yes, it's good to see you all here today. So, you think you're a Care Bear?
Kurt Busch: Yes! And you're just so huggable!

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you, you say you have an intense fear of Care Bears? When did this happen?
Junior: About three days ago...

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you, you say you love Care Bears?
Kevin Harvick: Yes. Even when all the other drivers, and all the fans hate me, at least the Care Bears love me!

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you, you say you make bad financial decisions? I'm afraid I will have to ask for payment up front, and in cash.
Joe Nemechek: *hands him a wad of fifties and hundreds*: Yeah, I spent $3.8 million to buy a water bottle off of e-Bay and when my teammate Boris asked me why, I couldn't give him a decent answer...

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you, you obviously have a gender confusion problem.
Bill Elliott: I ran out of hair dye. I am not confused. I'd like to go home now.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you seem to think you're an international pop star?
Darrell Waltrip: Ooops, I did it again! Another Grammy!
Lake Speed, Ernie Irvan, Delma Cowart, Phil Parsons, Phil Barkdoll, and James Hylton: Oh ma-an! Oh ma-an!

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you, you say you whine too much? And anger easily? I might add I expect payment up front from you too, and not in small change...
Rusty Wallace: $#!+!
Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Have you considered getting a checkbook or major credit card? They say it pays to Discover, you know.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you, you seem to think you're 25 again.
Joe Ruttman: I finally have a decent caliber NASCAR ride! You're not prying this steering wheel away from me! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you say you have this intense urge to drive a UPS truck for a living?
Dale Jarrett: I can't help it! People keep bugging me to drive that damn truck! SO Y'ALL WIN! I'M DRIVING THE TRUCK! Y'ALL HAPPY NOW?!?!

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you have a real problem with directions?
Michael Waltrip: Yeah, my team tells me the race is at one track when it's really at another one across the country.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And who are you?
Hut Stricklin: I'm nobody.
Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Obviously.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Well, I think we will be working on all these issues for years to come. I expect to see you here again tomorrow, same time, same place.
*They all leave*
Tony Stewart: Thanks, doc. I owe you one.
Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: You just go out there and win the championship. Leave these guys to me. In a few weeks they'll all think they're Dick Trickle...

And this concludes "As The Wheel Turns". If you'd like to purchase the episode you've just seen, please go to the Fox Motorsports homepage...

James Hylton: Well, we've got no pension plan, and we're getting older. I say we sue NASCAR for the benefits we deserve!
Joe Ruttman: Yes! And let's sue Jack Roush for replacing me with Greg Biffle and Kurt Busch. And then replacing me again with Kurt Busch wearing a Care Bear suit after he got out of therapy last week.
Lake Speed: You know, they say this has done wonders for his image among girls aged 3-12, which as you know, is NASCAR's new critical marketing target.
Phil Barkdoll: Yeah, we know. Did you see what they did to that poor Kasey Kahne fellow?
Buddy Baker: Well, I understand Hot Wheels and Action got into a bidding war over the rights to make the diecast. Who would have expected a My Little Pony Dodge Charger to get that kind of attention?
Lake Speed: Probably the people at Johnny Lightning.

Kyle Petty: Oh my gosh! Prince Rainier has passed away. This is my opportunity!
*Kyle and Richard Petty travel to Monte Carlo*
Princess Stephanie: You here for the interviews?
Kyle Petty: Yes.
Princess Stephanie: Get in line with the rest of the applicants.
Kyle Petty: It's The Artist Formerly Known As Prince!
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince: Yeah, what's it to you?
Kyle Petty: You can't be an applicant for Prince. You were formerly known as Prince, not currently known as Prince. Sorry.
Princess Stephanie: He's right. I'm afraid we'll have to take you off the list of potential Princes.
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince: Dang. Oh well. I'll just hop in my little red Corvette and be gone.

Benny Parsons: Okay, so Darrell Waltrip won a Grammy and I didn't even get nominated. And so he rubbed that in during his acceptance speech. And so he won another Grammy for his followup album. I'm not jealous. I think I need another couple of dozen chilidogs topped with butter pecan ice cream.

Kerry Earnhardt: I wonder if I could get Bill Elliott's fan club to help me get voted in as the Truck Series' Most Popular Driver if I dyed my hair red...

Hut Stricklin: Who am I? I bet I end up on a Trivial Pursuit card someday. Or maybe I'll be an answer on Jeopardy. I can see it now, "The driver who almost won at Darlington in 1996..." "Who is Hut Stricklin?"

Ricky Rudd: I really wish I hadn't screwed myself out of that ride with Robert Yates...I really wish I hadn't screwed myself out of that ride with Robert Yates...I really wish I hadn't screwed myself out of that ride with Robert Yates...

Announcer: And Dale Jarrett is making his debut in the UPS truck. That's right, he's finally driving the big brown truck! And there he goes to make his qualifying run. Look at that thing go. I think it's going. Hold on there, he seems to get a little squirrely at speeds over 35 MPH. This may be the longest qualifying lap in the history of Talladega...

Kurt Busch: A good Care Bear always lets everyone else go by him.
*Kurt slows to a crawl and runs an even slower qualifying lap than Dale Jarrett's run in the UPS truck*
Jack Roush: Maybe I was hasty to put him back in that car. Where's that Ruttman guy who won all three races he drove in the #97 while Kurt was out?
Jimmy Spencer: I can't believe Kurt Busch thinks he's a Care Bear now. This has to be the very definition of irony. Couldn't have happened to a nicer jerk.

Bill Elliott: I'm supposed to do something funny here. I'm not good at comedy. So, uh, pretend I said something witty. Whatever. And my hair was never pink. You can't prove it. Those pictures were doctored.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Can't sleep...Kurt Busch Bear will get me...Can't sleep...Kurt Busch Bear will get me...Can't sleep...Kurt Busch Bear will get me...

Tony Stewart: If only Bobby or I could catch a break this year, winning this championship 1-2 would be a breeze!
Bobby Labonte: You aren't going to believe this... That stupid costume Kurt Busch has been wearing for the last month fell out of his car and I hit it on my qualifying run. My primary car's wrecked.
Tony Stewart: Was Busch still in it?
Bobby Labonte: We aren't that lucky.
Announcer: And Kurt Busch has shed his Care Bear costume and is streaking through the grandstands...
*Jack Roush bangs his head on the toolbox*

Chip Ganassi: Casey, Sterling, Jamie, I have good news for you! Racing Champions has come to us with a sweet diecast deal for us. They even designed three killer paint schemes for us!
Casey Mears: My car better not end up pink again. How many different ways can you get me to drive a pink car? Energizer Bunny... breast cancer awareness, what's it this time?
Chip Ganassi: Say hello to...HELLO KITTY!
Casey Mears: I hate my life.
Chip Ganassi: And for you, Sterling, let me present you with the Coors Light/Cabbage Patch Kids Dodge!
Sterling Marlin: You better not renew my contract for next year.
Chip Ganassi: And I saved the best for last. Jamie, take a look at your new Bambi Charger! Look at that cute little bunny on the rear quarter panel! Isn't it cute and cuddly?
Jamie McMurray: Please tell me I won't be driving this one during hunting season. If Ward Burton sees it, and it's in season, it ain't never gonna complete the first lap.

Carl Edwards: I threw my back out with that stupid backflip. I'll have to sit out the rest of this season. Mom always told me I'd bust my back doing that.
Jack Roush: First Busch, now you. What else could go wrong?
Greg Biffle: Jack, I've just had that elective surgery I told you I was thinking about last year. From now on, call me Gregette!
Mark Martin: Kinda makes you wish we had Ted Musgrave back in that car, don't it?

*Hylton, Ruttman, Speed, Baker, Barkdoll, and others picket in front of NASCAR headquarters*
*Inside the NASCAR office, nothing changes as no one notices them at all*

Princess Stephanie: So you think you'd be a good ruler for our country?
Kyle Petty: I sure would be. First of all, my daddy's a King. Secondly, we've been involved with Chrysler for decades, and they made a Dodge Monaco, which is a mighty fine automobile.
Richard Petty: Someone call for the King?
Princess Stephanie: King Petty! We weren't expecting you!

Benny Parsons: I should come up with a new album too.
*Benny tries to get up*
Benny Parsons: I should have skipped the hot fudge on that last ice cream chilidog.
Richard Simmons: Perhaps I could be of assistance? I have a new "Sweatin' To DW and the Racers" workout video!

Kerry Earnhardt: Look, everyone, I'm Kerry Elliott! Vote for me!
Bill Elliott: I've got more impersonators than Elvis.
Bill Elliott's fan club: He's got red hair. He must be Bill. Let's vote for him!
*Kerry Earnhardt takes the lead in the Truck Series Most Popular Driver voting within minutes*

Hut Stricklin: A job? Really? In racing? I'll be there!

Ricky Rudd: We've got Fatback now. Why can't we win a race? Why can't we even finish a few?!?

Dale Jarrett: I think the truck is a little loose through One and Two. And the trioval, and the backstretch. Okay, the thing handles like a freaking tank! Why did I ever agree to drive this thing? I'm the laughingstock of the motorsports world!

Jack Roush: Jimmy Spencer. Somehow I have a feeling you're behind my star driver thinking he's a Care Bear.
Jimmy Spencer: Me? I will admit to enjoying it. But causing it, well, I hope you've got some sort of proof of that kind of accusation.
Jack Roush: Video footage of you dropping him into a box at the Earnhardt estate. And later, of Kevin Harvick and Junior opening that box and Kurt popping out.
Jimmy Spencer: Hmmmn, I admit that blob is a large blob, and I'm not the thinnest man going, but it's really hard to tell from these camera angles who that guy is.
Jack Roush: I know. Jimmy, I'm desperate. Drive for me! I'll put you in the #99, since Carl is out with a twisted back. I think I can get Ruttman back into the #97, and I've made arrangements for a driver in the #16.
Jimmy Spencer: What happened to Biffle?
Jack Roush: You don't want to know.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: This fear of Care Bears is absolutely ridiculous. First of all, they're not real. Secondly, if that idiot Kurt Busch comes near me, I'll pound him into the ground.
The Care Bears: Oh no! That might hurt him! And hurting people is bad!
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: I didn't hear that. If I don't open my eyes, there's no way I can see Care Bears. Must...reach....cell phone...
The Care Bears: Here's your phone.
*One of the bears hands the phone to Junior*
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Yes, bring everything you've got, and hurry! If you do this, I'll make it worth your while!
Ward Burton: Whatever we're hunting better be worth getting out of bed at 3AM for. And I brought enough weaponry to take down a tank.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: But will it take out them?
The Care Bears: Hi! We're the Care Bears!
Ward Burton: Dale, as much as I'd like to help you, bear season isn't for another five months. I'll come back then, okay?
*Ward Burton leaves and Dale starts twitching as the bears start singing*
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: I'll give you the #1 car! No? The #15? No? The #8? No? C'mon back Ward, please!

Tony Stewart: Look at that! I got second place in qualifying, right behind that new guy Richard Cranium. Maybe this is the end of our bad luck streak!
*The old Unocal 76 sign falls on top of the #20 Chevy*
Construction worker: Sorry about that. We're trying to get this here Sunoco sign up and I guess we knocked the old 76 ball on top of your car. We'll replace it the best we can.

Sterling Marlin: Felix, we need you now more than ever!
Jamie McMurray: Are you sure? I mean, was it even possible to win a race in a Sabco car?
Casey Mears: According to my NASCAR history book, it says Joe Nemechek and Kyle Petty both won races in a Sabco car.
Sterling Marlin: Casey, why are you wearing that Hello Kitty driving uniform?
Casey Mears: Chip took all my other driving uniforms and burned them. He says I can't drive a normal colored car or wear a normal colored driving suit again until I win a race.
Jamie McMurray: Wow. Talk about impossible.

Dale Jarrett: I think the truck is a little loose through One and Two. And the trioval, and the backstretch. Okay, the thing handles like a freaking tank! Why did I ever agree to drive this thing? I'm the laughingstock of the motorsports world!


I gotta see this!!!

Ummmm Swifty...did you forget to take your meds????? :lol:

Hey Swifty, how bout another installment? Dega ought to be a good place :) Besides Kerry made the busch race and will be attempting the cup race this afternoon!

Hey Swifty, how bout another installment? Dega ought to be a good place :) Besides Kerry made the busch race and will be attempting the cup race this afternoon!

Psst, read posts three and four! ;)

Ummmm Swifty...did you forget to take your meds?????

Just the ones that prevent me from singing Air Supply Barry Manilow tunes to people who live in Illinois...

Psst, read posts three and four! ;)


Oooops I feel stupid, I thought this was your old post, so I went back and read it, and now I can't stop laughing!

By the way you gave me a great idea to help Kerry in the poll, I'm working on a photoshop as I speak and then its a google for Bills message boards :)

Announcer: And starting on the pole for the Talladega "Because We Can't Count To 500" 499 mile race is Richard Cranium. This mysterious newcomer has declined all interviews and has insisted on wearing a mask ever since his sensational debut four weeks ago. Starting second is Tony Stewart, who will have to drop to the rear of the field after a freak accident involving the demolition of the old Unocal 76 signing in the infield totaled his primary car. The construction crew did their best to replace it, and today Smoke will be driving the foreman's '84 Ford LTD. Starting third is none other than Hut Stricklin in the Roush Racing #16. No word on what's happened to Greg Biffle, but that isn't a typo, Hut really is in that car. Fourth place, and coming off three straight wins, is Joe Ruttman. Riding shotgun with Ruttman today are James Hylton, Lake Speed, Buddy Baker, Delma Cowart, and Phil Barkdoll. All of whom are carrying picket signs, but I can't tell you what they're protesting due to a direct order of NASCAR. Moving on with the starting grid, Michael Waltrip starts fifth. Looks like he finally found the "right" track...

And there's the green flag. I don't know what they've got under the hood, but the Yates Racing #88 has slingshotted past everyone to take the lead in the We Can't Count To 500 499. Second place is #45 normally driven by Kyle Petty. However at race time, neither Kyle or Richard Petty were able to be located, and Darrell Waltrip volunteered to drive the car. He's had plenty of experience riding around at the back of the field but today he seems to be running pretty good. And third place is Kerry Earnhardt, driving the #33 Chevrolet and sporting a new haircut. Evidently the Bill Elliott look is in, as Kerry is sporting Arrest Me Red hair...

We have our first wreck! Oh, and Bobby Labonte is in it. And Bobby Labonte is the only car involved. That man just cannot catch a break. He's out of the car and appears to be okay. He's waving to the fans. And here comes his teammate Tony Stewart to the pit road in his '84 Ford LTD. He's actually climbing out of the car while his pit crew services it. Aha! Looks like he needs to make a pit stop of his own. Holy moly! Where'd that come from? It's the Kevin Harvick/Kid Rock #29 monster truck! And it's crushed Tony's LTD! Looks like Kevin isn't taking any chances this year. He wants to win here badly...

And we have Bill Elliott with us today in the broadcast booth. So Bill, what do you think about your hair style being the newest trend? *Cuts to a video of fans lining up to have their hair spray painted red*

Bill Elliott: No comment.

Announcer: And there you have it! As always, Bill provides us with the best insight of any NASCAR driver.

And we're back to green. The My Little Pony #9 of Kasey Kahne has taken the lead from the Hello Kitty #41 of Casey Mears. So Bill, how does it feel to see your protege out there driving a car sponsored by multi-colored plastic horses? A car you very well could be driving right now?

Bill Elliott: No comment.

Announcer: And Ricky Rudd's engine has just gone up in smoke! He'll be the third car out, after Bobby Labonte and Tony Stewart. Has anyone else noticed that Joe Ruttman's left turn signal indicator has been on for the last twenty-seven laps? I haven't seen something like that since I tried merging into traffic in Florida. And Harvick's monster truck continues to tear up the track. So far Stewart's car is the only one he's flattened to date, but we'll see what else he's got planned as this race continues. The UPS truck is hanging in the top ten and even ol' DW is hanging onto thirteenth. It's been an amazing race so far. What do you think, Bill?

Bill Elliott: Well, I...

Announcer: That's fascinating, Bill. And we have a battle for the lead! It's Kahne and Kerry, battling for position up front. And here comes Jeff Gordon! Where'd he come from?

Bill Elliott: Well, his driver's trading card says he was born in Vallejo, California but currently resides in Pittsboro, Indiana.

Announcer: That was rhetorical, Bill. And look at Jimmy Spencer! He's become a one man demolition derby out there! He's just caused a thirty-two car pile up! The only cars still running are Jarrett in the UPS truck, which just plowed through the wreckage, Harvick, Ruttman, Kerry Earnhardt, Stricklin, Mears, Kahne, and Darrell Waltrip, all of whom were ahead of the pileup. The red flag flies and the drivers are assisted from their wrecked race cars. All the drivers are now out of their cars, and all appear to be fine. Track cleanup has yet to begin, however. Not sure why. Harvick's got the monster truck running! This is a red flag, Kevin, you can't go anywhere... oh yes he can! He's just wheelied over the pile of mangled stock cars! And now he's doing a reverse wheelstand over the clunkers! This is just like a monster truck freestyle competition! And the crowd is loving it!

Bill Elliott: That's because this is Talladega. The fans can't see anything. They buy the tickets and hope the big one happens right in front of them.

Announcer: Point taken! And Harvick's back in line and the pile of debris has been cleared away. Let's get back to racing! But what's this? Casey Mears is out of his car and motioning to Kevin Harvick. Harvick is wheelstanding on top of the Hello Kitty Dodge Charger! Oh my gosh! Mears has just had his own car crushed! That leaves seven running cars. Looks like Kahne wants to have his car crushed too. He's out and pointing to the My Little Pony Charger. And Harvick crushes that pink Dodge too! And then there were six! So Bill, what's it like to see your old car get crushed?

Bill Elliott: Normally, I'd say disturbing. But with that paint scheme, I'm most satisified with the outcome.

Announcer: And we're back to green. Harvick is just outracing the others now, while Jarrett and Earnhardt race for second. Darrell Waltrip has had to retire with a loose wheel problem. The irony! So much for multi-platinum album sales when it really does happen to your car, right Darrell? Here comes Ruttman in the gray hair special #97. One lap to go! I can't watch! This is so exciting! Right Bill?

Bill Elliott: Whatever.

Announcer: And they're almost to the finish line, but there's an ominous shadow looming over the grandstand. It's...it's....Benny Parsons?!?

Bennyzilla: MORE FOOD!

Announcer: Benny Parsons has gained alot, and I do mean ALOT of weight! He's got to be the size of Godzilla, and he's hovered over the start finish line, daring our racers to cross the line!

Benny(zilla) Parsons: FOX thought I wasn't big enough for their broadcast booth. They said Darrell Waltrip was the guy they wanted. Well, I think I'm more than big enough to take on FOX!

Hut Stricklin: I'm winning this one, dammit! Nothing's gonna stop me now, not even Benny! *Stricklin nails the gas and passes the finish line, winning the Aaron's We Can't Count To 500 499*

Kurt Busch: Ohhh! Big cuddly monster! Must hug! *Kurt hugs Benny's toe*

Benny(zilla) Parsons: Ahhh! Get it off! GET IT OFF!!!!! *Bennyzilla starts shaking his foot, loses balance, and crashes to the ground, creating the Grand Canyon Of Alabama*

Announcer: Hut Stricklin has done it! Hut's won a NASCAR Wins...Nextel Cup event! Way to go, Hut!

Florida Governor Jeb Bush: What the heck? What do you mean my state just froze over? *Looks out the window* Three inches of snow and ice?!? Did Hut Stricklin win a NASCAR race?

*20-something girls, sporting Kasey Kahne and Casey Mears t-shirts*:

Girl 1: I can't believe they had that monster truck, like, totally flatten their cars! I am like, so never going to try to get their attention ever again!

Girl 2: Like totally! Come on, let's go play with our My Little Ponies and hug that Kurt Busch guy!

Kurt Busch: I love hugs!

Bill Elliott: You know, maybe Kurt ain't as dumb as he looks.

*Kurt streaks past Bill trying to outrun the mob of cute girls*

Bill Elliott: Never mind my previous comment.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Wow, we've got an even larger crowd than last time. And most of that crowd appears to be you, Mr. Parsons.

Benny(zilla): I gained alot of weight in a short period of time after that whole Waltrip/Grammy fiasco.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Ah, so I see. Would you say you were depressed by his success and your own failure? And did that depression cause you to eat even more than normal?

Benny(zilla): Yes. Yes, I would.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: The best way to deal with this is to go out there and confront that which is depressing you. Which leads me to you, Mr Waltrip. It was quite ironic that the car you were driving lost a wheel in the Talladega whatever it was 499.

Darrell Waltrip: Well, yeah it was.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Have you considered that it might have been bad karma from your comments about Benny Parsons?

Darrell Waltrip: Well, no, actually. I kinda just figured the pit crew didn't tighten all the lugnuts...

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: That could be the case- and that could have been caused by the bad karma buildup. You two should work on an album together.

Ernie Irvan: Yeah! I'll bring my harmonica!
Phil Barkdoll: Aye! The bagpipes be calling!
Lake Speed: This should be fun!
James Hylton: Rock on!
Delma Cowart: I'm just glad to finally be part of a winning team. Two Grammy Awards!
Phil Parsons: Yeah bro, I'm happy to provide keyboard for your big debut.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Wait. You're Benny's brother, and you helped Darrell on his two albums, but not Benny on his?

Phil Parsons: Well, yeah. Darrell asked for my help, and Benny didn't.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: I sense sibling rivalry. Is it because Benny is regarded as one of the fifty best drivers in NASCAR history, while you only managed to get one win, way back in 1988?

Phil Parsons: I don't know! You're the doctor, you're supposed to be helping all of us! *Cries*



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And I see you've shed your Care Bear suit in favor of...errr... nothing at all. I know I urged you to shed the suit, but I was hoping you'd uh, be wearing clothing underneath.

Kurt Busch: Well, the Care Bears all go around naked. And they help people. So I'm going to go around helping people naked too!

Gregette Biffle: And I want to help him!

Bill Elliott: And you accused me of having gender confusion?

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Yes, I can see that your hair is back to normal. But Biffle... ummmn, wow. We need to talk.

Carl Edwards: This isn't my chiropractor!

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: That's because Jack sent you to me to help you see that showing off after wins can have negative consequences.

Carl Edwards: Can you say that in English, doc? I don't speak "Burtonese".

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Actually, that was English.



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: How are you dealing with that phobia you had developed?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: I had real live Care Bears in my room! Ward, you saw them, right?

Ward Burton: Dale, I saw something. Whether it was a bunch of multicolored bears that shouted, "We're the Care Bears", aliens from outer space, or just a vision from it being 3AM after I'd been drinking Budweiser all night, I can't say.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: So you admit to having a drinking problem?

Ward Burton: When did I say that?

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Well, let's face it. If you're seeing Care Bears at 3AM after drinking Budweiser all night, you have a drinking problem.



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And why are you wearing that crown on your head, Mr. Petty?

Kyle Petty: That's Prince Petty of the Principality of Monaco to you.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: You obviously have some ego problems.



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Hut Stricklin! Whoa! What are you doing here? You're a world famous mega-star!

Hut Stricklin: I am? After just one win? WOW!

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: PSYCH!

Hut Stricklin: I sincerely hate you.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: We have progress!



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Ah, yes. I've been expecting you, Kasey...and Casey.

Kasey Kahne: I hate My Little Ponies.

Casey Mears: I hate Hello Kitty.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: I have a suggestion: Mears drives the My Little Pony Dodge and Kahne drives the Hello Kitty Dodge.

Casey/Kasey: That could work!



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: You? You stay away from me!

Bobby Labonte: You don't honestly believe I'm cursed... do you?

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Here's the number for a close friend of mine who's a witch doctor. You need his services more than mine. Good luck. And I still expect to see you back here tomorrow- let me know how things go with him.



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: So, Kerry, how does it feel to be the Most Popular Driver in the Craftsman Truck Series?

Kerry Earnhardt: Pretty good, actually.

Bill Elliott: My fan club was not amused by that little stunt.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: That's funny, because I was. It was a very amusing thing. As a matter of fact, Bill has had a very successful NASCAR career and I think you should follow him around imitating his every move.



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you say you have a big mouth?

Ricky Rudd: Yeah, I'd be driving the only Robert Yates car capable of winning races right now if I hadn't run my mouth off a few seasons ago. I regret that now. I think Yates does too, because Sadler hasn't been able to match the numbers I had in that car.



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And you two just need to grow up.

Sterling Marlin: It wasn't my idea to mix Coors and Cabbage Patch Kids.

Jamie McMurray: Yeah! And I had nothing to do with that stupid Bambi paint job.

Ward Burton: Sorry about that whole shooting at your car thing in the infield. I saw the deer and I thought it was unusual to see a deer at the track, but old habits die hard.

Jamie McMurray: No sweat, Ward. That car needed killin'.

Love the read.............Thanks................

*Outside Charlo...err...Lowe's Motor Speedway, Bill Elliott's fan club mobs Brian Vickers*

Bill Elliott's fan club: You wrecked Bill when he was running in the top ten!

Mike Bliss: He spun me out on the last lap of the Winston...errr...Nextel Open, too!

Bill Elliott's fan club: Who are you?

Mike Bliss: I'm Mike Bliss. I drive the #0 car. I should have been in the All Star Race!

Bill Elliott's fan club: Never heard of you.

Hut Stricklin: Welcome to my world, Mike.

Brian Vickers: Pain...much pain...



Dale Earnhardt Jr.: I got booed tonight. I got booed alot tonight. I can't believe it. Now I know how dad felt. Daddy, I miss you.

Michael Waltrip: You know, people say they see Elvis at K-Mart all the time. Maybe you should try that, you dumb jerk!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Look, I'm sorry for wrecking you. Please, can't we all get along?

Michael Waltrip: From where I'm sitting, we are getting along right now.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: You tied me up with wires you purchased at Napa, pried my eyes open with vices you bought at Napa, sat me on furniture you rented from Aaron's, and forced me to watch "The Care Bears Movie" twenty times while you ate Domino's Pizza.

Michael Waltrip: How does that make you feel?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Like punching Kurt Busch, actually...



Joe Nemechek: I wrecked while leading. I wrecked while leading. I can just see all the Polish jokes now.

Scott Riggs: Look Joe, Boris and I went fifty-fifty on this. You should use it.

Joe Nemecheck: Nail polish remover. Oh, very funny. Hahaha, you guys are a laugh riot.

Boris Said: You can cut the sarcasm with a knife!



Jeff Gordon: The fans hate me. The other drivers hate me. Even the tracks hate me! First Martinsville and now Lowe's. Jimmie, we need to talk to your sponsor. Since they own the road, I want to talk to them about these freakin' potholes!

Jimmie Johnson: Hey man, don't sweat. I won the race at Lowe's Motor Speedway with my Lowe's Chevrolet Monte Carlo for the third straight year. Maybe next year you'll run second.

Jeff Gordon: Stand still so I can throw this chunk of asphalt at you!



Jack Roush: First the Care Bear obsession. Then streaking. Now he can't even drive the car more than twenty laps without crashing it. Twice in one race! I've got half a mind to put those old guys back into the car again!

*Joe Ruttman holding a sign "Will race for pension plan!" outside Roush Racing's shop*



Sterling Marlin: Casey, you're jinxed. Face it.

Casey Mears: I know. I'm sorry you got caught up in the wreck too.



Ricky Rudd: I still can't finish a race. And it tears me up to see Elliott Sadler keep wrecking all those good Yates cars! That poor yellow M&M hasn't looked that scared since Ernie Irvan drove that car!

Ken Schrader: Hey! At least we both led laps tonight. And so did Bill. We did good. Man, I have this sudden urge to drive a sprint car race... and an ARCA race. Must...drive...fast! I CAN'T DRIVE 55!

Ricky Rudd: You're starting to scare me, Kenny.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: We keep getting larger and larger group sessions. And tonight, most of the group isn't Benny Parsons. You lost quite a bit of weight there, Benny.

Benny Parsons: I had some help from Richard Simmons. He made me do a workout to Darrell Waltrip's Grammy winning albums.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And all of that helped take off the weight. That's very impressive.

Benny Parsons: Not quite. It was listening to him mangling songs by Kenny Rogers, Barry Manilow, ABBA, and others that irritated me. But in order to be a pop star these days, you need to be thin.

Darrell Waltrip: And you have to look good in chrome sequins. Like I do.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Next time I need to invite Simon to the session.



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: You enjoy spinning your teammate out, don't you?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Hey man, there's no bad blood between me and Mikey, yo.

Michael Waltrip: Then how do you explain this picture of me on your dartboard? And this picture of the NAPA Chevy on your toilet seat? And this voodoo doll of me...?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: *Points* Look! It's Delma Cowart! *Runs*

Delma Cowart: Leave me out of this.



Mike Bliss: I feel invisible.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Who said that?

Delma Cowart: It comes with driving the #0. No one cares.

Ward Burton: You can dang well say that again, dang it all.



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: What happened to you?

Brian Vickers: I got mobbed by angry Bill Elliott fans outside the track.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Man, you look like raw hamburger.

Brian Vickers: Bill, remind me to never ever ever spin you out, ever again.

Mr. T: Shut up, Vickers-foo'! When you get outta that wheelchair I'm gonna throw your punk butt all the way to France. The country, not the people running NASCAR.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Mr. T! You're a Bill Elliott fan?

Mr. T: Yeah, foo'. What's it to ya, jibba jabba readin' foo'?



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: And I understand you insisted on driving everyone here, Mr. Schrader.

Ken Schrader: Yeah! I got them all here fast, too! I used my sprint car. Sure was a tight fit with Benny riding shotgun!

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Do you have any hobbies that don't involve racing some sort of car?

Ken Schrader: Hobbies that don't involve racing cars? What kind of quack are you?!?



Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Well, I'll see you all again tomorrow.

*The rest of the drivers leave*

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Man, these guys are all nuts. And I'm making them nuttier.

The Care Bears: That's not very nice, you know.

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: First Busch. Then Junior. Then Ward Burton. I didn't hear Care Bears. I don't see Care Bears. You guys don't exist!

The Care Bears: We don't?

Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist: Nope, I'm afraid not. You'll have to leave now and get started on that not existing deal. *Tony Stewart's anger management psychologist shoves the Care Bears outside his office*

Care Bear #1 (possibly a blue one): You know, I don't think that guy's very nice at all.

Care Bear #2 (a pink one): I'm not even sure he's a licensed doctor.



*Inside K-Mart, Junior is shopping*

Voice: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllle.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Dad? Is it really you?

Michael Waltrip: PSYCH!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: And people wonder why I hate you.

Michael Waltrip: You started it, man.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: You both need to grow up. Son, I'm right disappointed in you. You can't even spin a guy out without getting collected yourself. And you ain't supposed to spin team cars out, anyway. That's what the Bodines are for.

Michael Waltrip: You have been gone awhile. None of the Bodines race in Nextel Cup anymore.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: What's this Nextel Cup garbage? I'm talkin' 'bout Winston Cup racing.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: No such thing anymore. Winston bailed and this cell phone company picked up the naming rights to the Cup series. And Rockingham is gone. Darlington is down to one race a year. And Toyota is racing the Truck series with a Cup debut likely in the 2007 Daytona 500.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: What the...? If I wasn't already dead, I'd have had a heart attack right there. Man, I need to go haunt the France family. I'll be back later. Oh! Almost forgot. How come Steve ain't in that #1 car no more? I ain't happy 'bout that. You get Steve Park back in that there Cup car. And you better put Kerry in a Nextel Cup car too, boy.









***On a side note, I hope no one is offended by Dale Earnhardt Sr. making an appearance from beyond the grave. If he were still with us, I honestly believe he would have been critical of a few of the current situations in NASCAR. Also, expect Dale Earnhardt Sr. to show up in later episodes.***

On a side note, we're up to nine episodes of "As The Wheel Turns". I seriously need to consider putting this up as a website.

Egads n' Gadzooks!!!!!

Hey Macs Little Cars . . . meds won't help ..... its multiple personalities . . . Swifty has the energy of five different personalities in order to provide us all with multiple
perspectives!

Egads n' Gadzooks!!!!!

Hey Macs Little Cars . . . meds won't help ..... its multiple personalities . . . Swifty has the energy of five different personalities in order to provide us all with multiple
perspectives!

I enjoy writing. It challenges my creativity. NASCAR, pirates, it's all good. :thumbsup:

Egads n' Gadzooks!!!!

I've been trying to tune in to my favorite soap-car bopping drama "As the Slicks Burns," but my antenna has the poorest reception indeed; unfortunately, I've missed all of the current shows. Consequently, I'm suffering from the deepest of meloncholias that I've ever experienced as a result.

I've been trying to tune in to my favorite soap-car bopping drama "As the Slicks Burns," but my antenna has the poorest reception indeed; unfortunately, I've missed all of the current shows. Consequently, I'm suffering from the deepest of meloncholias that I've ever experienced as a result.

We need to get you hooked up to cable!

And I need to do another episode of "As The Wheel Turns"...

Brian France: Who's there?

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: Dale Earnhardt.

Brian France: Oh, Junior, you scared me.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: Wrong Dale Earnhardt.

Brian France: But...you're dead!

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: How observant of you.

Brian France: But how? Why?

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: Simple. You broke NASCAR Winston Cup racing. Now you need to fix it. I'd like to point out that I won seven championships with the old points system. You know, the one where all thirty six races counted equally. And don't you remember the 1992 championship that Alan Kulwicki won by just ten points over Bill Elliott? All he did was lead one lap more than Bill did in the season finale at Atlanta. That championship would have been a tie if not for those five bonus points going to Alan, not Bill. And let's see. Just what was wrong with Rockingham and Darlington? I know they're not the biggest, most modern speedways, but let's face it, they had some damn fine racing in the four races held between the two tracks each year. Now there's just one race at Darlington and none at all at Rockingham. That just ain't right. And Toyota? What's gotten into you? I know a Jaguar won a race at a road course back in the '50s. And foreign cars have been banned ever since. Which is the way it should be. I understand that Winston couldn't foot the bill anymore. These things happen. But you make sure this Nextel company ain't here to loot and pillage. It seems like they're raiding the archives and not really contributing all that much, except money. And you guys need more scratch like I need another Bodine on the track.

Brian France: We can't change any of that. There are contracts you know!

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: Yes, contracts, I understand. See you tomorrow.

Brian France: No, wait, please don't come back tomorrow!



Brian Vickers: I've healed! They'll let me race again!

Mr. T: Shut up, foo'! You'll race when I tell you you can race!

Brian Vickers: I want my mommy.



Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Okay, so I need to make DEI a five car team. Me in the #8, Mikey in the #15, Truex, Park, and Kerry need rides too. This is going to be a pain.

Michael Waltrip: Well, neither of us is doing well this season anyway. I say we use this as a building year. Let's put Park in the #1 for the rest of the year. Then we can create a new team for Truex next year, and we'll start a new one for Kerry later this year.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Brilliant idea, Mikey. Now where are we gonna get sponsors for the other three teams?

Michael Waltrip: Remember when you photographed naked women for Playboy?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: I hope I never forget that!

Michael Waltrip: Think Hef'd sponsor a car?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Like NASCAR would let that sponsorship slide. Remember what they did to Penthouse when they tried coming in on the #27?

Michael Waltrip: Yeah, but Eel River Racing ain't DEI.




Kyle Petty: Yeah, that's right- a helmet with room for a crown. Just do it!

Richard Petty: So you got that 440 powered '77 Monaco ready for next week's race?

Kyle Petty: You better believe it. And if NASCAR tries anything, I'll declare war on them.

Richard Petty: Man, I wish I would have thought about that years ago when we tried unionizing.



Mark Martin: Viagra causes blindness. I knew I should have insisted on getting paid in cash from Pfizer. Now I'm ready to retire and all I've got is some useless blue pills.

Rusty Wallace: And Miller decided to replace my pension plan with a six pack of Genuine Draft.

Terry Labonte: I got a lifetime supply of Corn Flakes.

Bill Elliott: All I got was a leftover 2004 Dodge Intrepid. And you know I'm still a Ford guy.

Bill Davis: Hey, I've got an offer for the four of you. Toyota wants four respected, experienced drivers for their Nextel Cup debut.

Toyota executive: You win lots races, have many fans. Fans like you, buy what you tell them. You tell them to buy Toyotas. We make tons of yen.

Rusty Wallace: Sounds like a good deal to me.

Bill Elliott: Wait a second, what's the exchange rate look like these days?

Mark Martin: Put it this way, we're better off getting paid in Swiss Francs.



*Bobby Labonte is standing in the middle of a massive complex of doctor's offices*

Bobby Labonte: Now which doctor is the witch doctor?

Doctor 1: I'm a rich doctor!

Doctor 2: I'm a richer doctor.

Doctor 3: I'm the richest doctor!

Doctor 1: Are not!

Bobby Labonte: I said witch doctor, not rich doctor.

Doctors: Well, which doctor are you looking for?

Bobby Labonte: The witch doctor.

Doctors: We're all rich doctors!

Bobby Labonte: In that case I'm looking for the rich witch doctor.

Doctor 3: We're all rich niche doctors.

Bobby Labonte: Which doctor is the witch doctor?!?!

Doctor 1: Oh, you must mean Doctor Mitch.

Doctor 2: Yeah, he's our rash specialist- aka the itch doctor.

Bobby Labonte: No, a witch doctor.

Doctor 3: There's Dr. Pitch, our resident dog veterinarian- she's the bitch doctor.

Doctor 1: Or Dr. Vitch, our fashion doctor. She's the Abercrombie and Fitch doctor.

Doctor 2: And there's Dr. Senilivich, the machinery expert. He's the glitch doctor.

Doctor 1: There's Doc Ditch, our relationship doctor, aka the hitch doctor.

Bobby Labonte: I hate my life.

Watch for the next episode: "Legends of NASCAR" later this week.

Also, I'm working on putting the episodes together on their own website, with a little NASCAR humor thrown into the mix too. It won't be a huge site, but hopefully it'll be entertaining!

http://home.comcast.net/~asthewheelturns/atwt.jpg

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: Good morning, Brian. Welcome to another fun filled night of me haunting you.

Brian France: You're going to keep coming back until I put things back the way they were, aren't you?

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: Pretty much, yeah.

Brian France: That's what I figured. Just for the record, I really hate doing this, but, since I can't change things back I really don't have an alternative...

Egon Spengler: Who ya gonna call?

Peter Venkman: That's right!

Ray Stantz: GHOSTBUSTERS!

Winston Zeddemore: Whoa! You didn't tell us we'd be busting Dale Earnhardt. I can't do that, he's my hero.

Egon Spengler: Who's Dale Earnhardt?

Ray Stantz: A NASCAR driver.

Egon Spengler: What's NASCAR?

Peter Venkman: A car racing series that's very popular in this country. And Dale Earnhardt was the sport's biggest star until he crashed on the last lap of the Daytona 500 in 2001.

Egon Spengler: He shouldn't have crashed. He would have lived longer.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: Well, I wasn't trying to crash, I was tryin' to protect third place so Mikey could win and my son Dale Jr could run second. Hey! Why am I explaining myself to you?

Egon Spengler: Fascinating, the ghost is communicating with me in perfect English. Well, not quite perfect, as it has a heavy Southern accent...

Brian France: Is he always like this?

Peter Venkman: Yes.

Brian France: Can we get on with the busting?

Egon Spengler: Oh, yeah, that's right, we're here to bust you race car driver ghost.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: I hate my afterlife.

*Egon traps Dale Earnhardt Sr. in one of the containment units*



Fireball Roberts: Well, get this. That idiot Brian France just trapped Dale in some sort of ghost containment unit.

Alan Kulwicki: He better not sell him as a ghost in a jar on e-Bay

Davey Allison: We better go break him out.

Tiny Lund: Count me in.

Tim Richmond: That goes for me too.



Jeff Gordon: Man, I really love these reruns of "Speed Racer". Almost makes me wish I had a mysterious older brother on the track.

Robby Gordon: I have Jeff so fooled. He thinks we're unrelated, but share the same last name. He'll never know that I'm really his older brother who left home years before to start my own racing career. Now I look after him and keep him out of trouble. At least I do when I manage to actually qualify for the race.



*A blue Care Bear pinches a pink Care Bear*

Pink Care Bear: Ouch! Why'd you do that?

Blue Care Bear: Well, you expressed pain. That means you felt something. And I felt you, when I pinched you. That means that quack is wrong- we do exist!

Pink Care Bear: *rubs the sore spot* You couldn't find a better way to test this theory?

Kevin Harvick: My little bear buddies! It's so good to see you!

Blue Care Bear: Who are you?

Kevin Harvick: My name's Kevin, but you can call me "Happy". I'm a long time fan of yours, and a current NASCAR driver. And I have a plan. You need more exposure...

Pink Care Bear: But we're already overmerchandised as it is! There are Bandaids with our pictures on them. Freaking Bandaids for crying out loud!

Kevin Harvick: I know, I bought three boxes of them. Anyway, like I was saying, you need more exposure. And NASCAR is even more overmerchanided than all of you are. How'd you like to drive a NASCAR Nextel Cup stock car?

Yellow Care Bear: I'll do it!

Kevin Harvick: Excellent! The #29 Goodwrench Chevrolet Monte Carlo is all yours. Now the tradeoff is I get to live with you all.

Blue Care Bear: I should've known there was a catch somewhere.

Kevin Harvick: It'll be fun! We can go on picnics, and do...and do... ummmn, whatever else it is that Care Bears do!

Pink Care Bear: Promise us that that other guy, you know, the one who runs around naked yelling "I'm a Care Bear!" isn't moving in with us too.

Kevin Harvick: Kurt Busch? That jerk? Never!



Bill Elliott: I really wish that docotor hadn't insisted on having you follow me around. And you really don't need to follow me into the bathroom.

*Kerry Earnhardt writes down "Don't need to follow Bill to bathroom"*

*Bill and Kerry walk out into the parking lot*

Bill Elliott: Now which of these two identicle '68 Shelby Mustangs is yours, and which one is mine?

Kerry Earnhardt: I think the one on the left is yours.

*Car alarm goes off*

Bill: Or it could be the one on the right.

*Both drivers pull out of the lot with the top down and Rod Stewart's "Forever Young" blaring from the speakers*



*Meanwhile, in Monaco*

Kyle Petty: My fellow Monegasque, as your new leader, it pleases me to announce we've arranged to host a NASCAR race on the Monaco Grand Prix circuit. It's amazing what NASCAR will do when faced with a declaration of war! The Monaco 500 Presented By Daimler Chrysler will be in November, and will be the final points race of the year.

*Elsewhere on the French Riviera*

Brian Vickers: Man, that Mr. T can throw helluva far...

Jack Roush: Mark, I'm begging you, stay another year. Please.

Mark Martin: I thought you told me I was too old.

Jack Roush: That was before I signed someone for 2007 and lost Kurt to Penske.

Mark Martin: May I just say good riddance?

Jack Roush: Well, yeah. After all that Care Bear nonsense, he's pretty much washed up anyway.

Mark Martin: Fine- I'll drive the car for one more year. But this time, I get 100% of my retirement's souvenir sales.

Jack Roush: Now to find another driver. I know... I'll host my own reality show!




Jamie McMurray: I can't believe it! I'm finally going to drive a Roush car! One of these days.

Casey Mears: Rub it in.

Sterling Marlin: He goes to Roush, and I get stuck with MB2.

Casey Mears: Hello. Still stuck with Ganassi. And still stuck wearing pink!

Sterling Marlin: Point.



Kurt Busch: Care Bears aren't real. Can't like Care Bears if I go to Penske. Must have career. No more streaking. No more helping people. This is gonna be hard.

Jimmy Spencer *disguising voice as a Care Bear's*: Or Kurt.... why have you forgotten us? I thought we were friends.

Kurt Busch: My bear friends! I can't let you down! Not even for the Miller Lite car! Care Bears and alcoholic beverages can peacefully co-exist, I'm sure!

Jimmy Spencer *chuckling to himself*: This should be good. And gives me an excellent reason to start drinking Coors...



Princess Stephanie: Prince Petty! It's horrible! France is attacking!

Kyle Petty: That's impossible! France is our ally!

Princess Stephanie: Not the country. Brian France and his forces are attacking.

Kyle Petty: What kind of weaponry do we have?

Princess Stephanie: I think there's an antique handgun in the museum.

Kyle Petty: I would have to pick an itty bitty country to rule...



Egon Spengler: Hmmmn, our early warning system is picking up a breech in the containment unit. Winston, check it out.

Winston Zeddemore: Yes, Egon.

*Winston looks into the containment room, and sees Fireball Roberts, Alan Kulwicki, Davey Allison, Tim Flock, Tim Richmond, Tiny Lund, and Kenny Irwin trying to bust Dale Earnhardt Sr. out of the containment unit*

Winston Zeddemore: If y'all want Dale out, all you have to do is ask. I'm Winston Zeddemore. As you can tell by my name- my papa was a NASCAR fan. And Dale was my hero.

Fireball Roberts: Finally, someone around here who makes sense.

Alan Kulwicki: You realize that makes you an endangered species?

Winston Zeddemore: Yeah. Those other guys are all too book smart for their own good. Now, I'll slip this cardboard likeness of Dale into the containment unit and Egon will never notice.

Davey Allison: thanks for the help!



Announcer: And next out to qualify is Kevin Harvick, in the GM Goodwrench Monte Carlo. What's this? I've just been handed an update. Harvick will not be qualifying the #29 Chevy, and instead there's a yellow Care Bear driving.... I'm sure this is just a joke, everyone. Holy *bleep* Sorry about that folks, and I'm sure glad we've got that seven second rule or NASCAR would be fining me $10,000 right now. But the update was right- a Care Bear is driving the Goodwrench Chevy!

Dale Earnhardt Sr.: Ain't no Care Bear gonna drive my car. Not on my watch... C'mon guys, just like how we practiced at Atlanta...

Davey Allison: And to think, they blamed a tornado for that... anyways, dibs on that Elliott Sadler punk. Not only is that car not numbered 28, it's also way too good for a guy who wrecks as much as he does.